The man who wrote me about the unpardonable sin came to church Sunday and then I had 1 1/2 hours with him Monday morning. Here is his follow-up Monday afternoon. - Mack T.
Thanks for talking to me, Mack. I really needed that. The message Sunday morning was very good. I sometimes wonder if it is some spirit that has vexed me all these years. Until recently, I always thought a man could pull himself up by his own bootstraps. I could not have been more mistaken. I did not have the opportunity to explain the depth of despair that I have found myself in. I knew than that God has to find me, not the other way around.
My soul started into a downward spiral into the depths of despair that I have never known, only to get worse when confronted with the warnings in the Book of Hebrews. I do not intend to pretend with God ever again that I am saved. I can see how all these years I have been building my own house on the sand. I pray that God will not forsake me because the most wonderful thing in existence to be sought more than the entire world is Christ.
How wonderful He is. He is the only thing that is of value to a man. Some say they put Him first, but he should be more than that--he is all. And how I wish he would let me have him as my all and everything. My whole world has been burned to the ground. Nothing has remained. All of this happenning to me was just symbolism before in my mind. Not now. This is real. My works have gone up in smoke. My secret sins have burned me. My only hope is that the Word says he is merciful; I am just a man and I have no idea how much mercy he has. I have no doubt that He will judge. That is certain. I just hope and pray that in spite of my grievious sins, he will have mercy and extend grace to me.
I have had this nagging feeling for a long time that I have been trusting in the wrong thing. It seemed as though there should have been victory a long time ago. I just kept doing the wrong thing, spiritually speaking. Making up ways of appeasing God in my own mind. Never wanting to admit that these sins have hounded me. In a sense I made up my own god, a god that could let me live in my sins and some day my prince would come and deliver me. I didn't realize I was a hypocrite and a perverse man. I can't stand to think of it. My past. I hate that guy. I am that man. I am the summer clouds that have no promise of rain. I am the spot in your love feast. It would seem that by now Jesus could walk in His garden an enjoy some fruit. By now I'm 48, and Jesus should be able to be refreshed by some fruitfulness from me. I have failed the only beautiful One. I have been a rogue and a ruffian. I wish I would have just cut out my tongue years ago.
But I guess it's all evidence that a man is just sinful and without any ability to save himself. To even have the moral strength to resist temptation or to stand and not fall is impossible without wholly trusting in Jesus. It's all so clear to me now. A man cannot live for one day or one minute without Christ or he will fall. The tough guy will fall.
He is a Wonderful Counselor that you have. I only hope that He will have me. I love that hymn that says, "Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Not be all else to me save that Thou art. Thou and Thou only, first in my heart; High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art." I now understand the worth of that Treasure. It is not some mysterious thing anymore. Jesus is everything and the only thing in the entire universe and beyond. HE IS EVERYTHING. I hope God will forgive me for my small thinking in the past. Mack, Jesus is the only worthy endeavor a man should ever seek. Tell the young men this. There is nothing else to seek. Nothing. I sought success in real estate and being a family man. I sought a lot of things. A man needs to seek only one thing -- Jesus and His righteousness.
I really loved your sweet church with just a piano and singing from a hymnal. I tell you, there were either angels in the front row singing or you have a church full of opera singers. The only errant voice was mine. What a way to worship, without the rythmic booming of drums and railing electric guitars blasting through one's brain. I am beside myself in awe of the beauty of it. I only hope that I didn't bring anything foul with me to your assembling. I am not worthy to be accounted with the righteous. I would like to come again, but I do not want to be a blemish. I humbly submit to the leading of the Spirit through your leadership of your flock there. Knowing my situation and my soul being so vexed, I would expect you to protect your flock. I would like to talk with you more at any rate and visit if it is possible.
I started reading from John Bunyan's testimony. His thinking is exactly like mine while he was in his despair. So I have some more hope. Thanks Mack; I'll call this week or you can call me at your leisure anytime.......... Thanks
[Doesn't sound like one who has committed the unpardonable sin, does it?]
- Mack T.